Dallas – the best excuse to stay in


I don’t watch much TV. Seriously, I’m usually found head stuck in a book or thinking up plot twists for my own stories.  A TV show has got to be something really special to entice me away from my beloved books – well played Channel 5. The recent advent of Dallas is indulgent and unabashedly cheesy and that’s what I love most about it. The episode which aired yesterday (‘Collateral Damage’) was one of the more mysterious ones so far. Meaty subplots were simmering gently with a dash of intrigue and a pinch of murky machination. What was Ann’s secret? And what’s the deal with Frank Ashkani? Trust JR to pick up on something being icky about Cliff’s right hand man. I was personally more fascinated by Frank Ashkani’s accent which is a mish-mash of 10 different dialects (shows why I’m not a billionaire oil magnate).

Despite the consistent pacing, periods of placidity were nicely punctuated by shots of high drama. John Ross was getting it in the neck from his investors, Bobby was arrested for bitch-slapping (sorry assaulting) Harris Ryland, Elena blurted out Rebecca’s pregnancy to Christopher and John Ross was framed for Marta’s murder. See, told ya there was a lot happening.

It’s fairly early on in the series but Dallas knows what it does best, planting nifty subplots with oh so moreish narrative hooks that keep you coming back for more. My favourite bit saw Rebecca visit Elena. Handing Elena a gift basket, she promptly ran to hurl in Elena’s bathroom, declaring breathlessly, “I’m sorry I threw up in your bathroom”. Yeah right, as if she was sorry (the little minx).
Machiavellian minds seem to favour outings that include food; Sue Ellen chose lunch to pressurize Elena to side with John Ross, whilst he in turn treated Lucy to brunch to get her onside. I don’t know about you, but it’s made me a little paranoid accepting someone’s lunch/brunch/afternoon tea invitation (because you just don’t know what they’ll ask for). All in all, another great episode packed with sarcastic one-liners and a deepening plot that sucks you right in.

Cheeky Awards:

Highlight: Bobby throwing the envelope (holding Ann’s secret) into the fire as Hurricane Ann finally came to a standstill (she couldn’t stop still long enough in the past two episodes). I still can’t believe that Bobby didn’t peek in the envelope; he has the patience of a saint. And for this episode, I’m Team Bobby.

Burn Moment: Josh Henderson has killer delivery as John Ross says to Christopher: “Don’t you have some cows to go birth?”

Sucker Punch Line: Bobby to Harris Ryland: “You mess with my wife in any way and I will beat you into next Sunday.”

“Doh!” Moment: Christopher’s confused frown after the nurse told him two heartbeats could be heard at Rebecca’s ultrasound. She might as well have asked him the sum of 4465433.56 x 37774.28. Jesse Metcalfe’s naiveté is truly heart-breaking.

Dastardly Deed of the Day: Mexican-Mafioso-wannabe Vicente ordering the hit on Marta Del Sol. The girl had issues, but don’t we all? Granted she was a “crazy messed up bitch” (John Ross’s words, not mine), but I was sort of getting used to her.

Man / Woman of the Match: Sue Ellen is on the slippery slope to being a corrupt politician, putting the frighteners on Elena in an insidious, sinister way. Plus she has an unrealistically neat office. I have seen a few politicians running for office and their desks are obstructed by mountains of paperwork the size of Everest. Kudos Sue Ellen (my inner OCD geek salutes you).