I heart Dallas. That is all.

Dallas Season Two Premiere: Battle Lines


Finally Season Two had arrived and it couldn’t have come sooner. I don’t watch much television and I’ve missed writing about one of my favourite programmes. It’s a long post though guys, you’ve been warned!

Just to recap where the first series left off. We discovered Rebecca Sutter was actually Cliff Barnes’s daughter, she also accidentally on purpose murdered Tommy, whilst playing musical chairs in the Lover Department were John Ross who had split from Elena, who wound up with Christopher Ewing after dumping Rebecca. Still with me? It came to light that Ann Ewing had a child and JR was coaching John Ross to be a “mini-me”. All caught up? Good, let’s get started with Season Two.

DESKDallas-Season-2It was a corker of an episode that kicked off with a dapper John Ross gate-crashing the hen-night party of Brandee, a trucking heiress. It may seem innocuous, but nothing about John Ross is innocent. He seduced the downright dippy Brandee, although I have to give her credit because she was right when she told John Ross “That grin tells me you’re trouble.”

Dallas / EP201Now, I don’t about you, but when I’m feeling a little out of sorts, I slip on my favourite frock, five inch heels and hit the town. Nice to know that I have something in common with Josh Henderson (I’m clutching at straws I know, so just give me this one). This dude knows how to rock a suit and now that he feels wronged by Christopher, Elena and the world in general, expect him to up the ante and really suit up. (All I can say, is rock on Eye Candy Central.)

What I love about Dallas is the deliciously barbed dialogue (kudos to the writing team). Already within the first five minutes, there were some really great zingers (John Ross practically snarling, “Love is for pussies” is up there). JR always got the best lines and is the king of witty one-liners and I cannot help feel that John Ross is being groomed to take over JR’s acerbic character. (All I have to say on the matter is that John Ross has got some massive shoes to fill and watching Larry Hagman’s scenes will continue to be a source of absolute joy for me.)

We met the real Rebecca Sutter, who Christopher had flown in to be the surprise witness, in anticipation of his annulment hearing, which by the way, has “DISASTER” written all over it. Now, I couldn’t help but find her oddly likeable, maybe because she’s just so darn stupid. When Christopher mentioned that he would make Tommy pay, she quipped, “I’ve watched enough Law & Order to know it’s YOU he wronged, and it’s YOU, who can press charges.” Um, no s***t Sherlock. I wouldn’t encourage her to apply for Law School anytime soon. Christopher was oddly upbeat although I felt he should really be worried about his vacuous looking lawyer (his lurid yellow tie didn’t inspire much confidence).

ANN012913-dallas-fashion-lead-623It wasn’t a good episode for Ann Ewing where she got to meet Emma, her and Harris Ryland’s long lost daughter. If Ann wasn’t sobbing on the couch, in the bedroom, car, open field (or anywhere else for that matter), she was running around in a tizz. To be fair, she had good reason to weep – one word of advice for our Ann; keep the waterproof mascara handy, it looks like you’re going to be shedding bucket loads of tears. This whole long lost daughter is a great sub-plot and I can’t wait to see what Ice-Queen Emma has in store for the Ewings.

Christopher and Elena (or ChrEl, to make it easier) were acting as if they were love’s young dream. I find Christopher’s naiveté (along with his choice of extra extra large swimming shorts truly disturbing). When he told Elena, “I’m gonna walk you up the aisle the right way… I finally feel everything is falling into place,” with all the excitement of a Labrador on Red Bull, you just knew his happiness was to be short lived. Saucy shots of ChrEl making out in the swimming pool and racing track reminded us that trouble is looming in paradise. Still, it was worth seeing a ripped Jesse Metcalfe, who I’ll also forgive for that fashion faux pas of humungous shorts (I can’t stay mad at him for too long, it’s Jesse Metcalfe, for God’s sake).

DALLAS S2 EP1Pamela Rebecca Barnes also returned from her extended trip and I must admit, I find it oddly refreshing to see her character have more bite. Literally. The girl “e-nun-ci-ates” like there’s no tomorrow. She’s going to have a meatier role this season and I’m looking forward to seeing more depth to her otherwise complacent butter-wouldn’t-melt character. Meanwhile, more evidence of Christopher’s naiveté (or stupidity, take your pick) was highlighted when he went to meet Re-bec-ca Pam-e-la Bar-nes. Standing outside their meeting place which just happened to be Barnes Global HQ, Christopher and his even dopier lawyer scratched their heads in befuddled confusion. Surely, warning bells should have begun to sound, but not even a thousand decibel klaxon would have been enough to arouse any suspicion for these two hapless heroes as they wondered why they had been summoned to Cliff Barnes’s offices.

OK, have you ever liked someone but you just don’t know why? I went through this phase when I was crushing on Christopher Plummer in The Sound of Music (to this, day, I STILL don’t know what that was about). Two words – Frank Ashkani (Faran Tahir). The guy’s accent is crazy and a mish-mash of every dialect under the sun. He’s all sorts of wrong (the guy is as slick as a slithery snake in a slimy room – he’s slippery, you get the gist). Yet I can’t help but find him oddly entertaining. When Christopher came face to face with his estranged wife, I was more interested in Frank Ashkani’s reaction. He seemed to be watching a really, really, REALLY slow motion tennis match. The guy is a dope (albeit a sycophantic one) and I weirdly can’t help but love him for it.

One of my favourite characters is Harris Ryland. The way he psychologically abuses Ann is disturbing and the way Ann crumbles is scary. Yet I wonder how far he can go with Ann before he pushes her over the edge. Because Ann has gumption (did you see her load her gun in the first series)? What I love about the Ann and Harris scenes is the guarantee that Bobby will somehow come to the rescue. And I LOVE the chemistry between Bobby and Harris. Honestly, I’m not one to condone violence (except when I don’t get my usual caffeine fix on time), but ever since Bobby bitch-slapped Harris in series one, I’ve been dying to see these two just let rip. I suspect it’ll be more handbags drawn than actual manly fisticuffs, but still, I wonder who would win (I have a special spot for Bobby, so I’m going to go with him).

The episode ended with an unholy meeting of two diabolical minds, John Ross and Pamela. It’s odd seeing these two together, because I’m just getting used to seeing the new, villainous version 2.0 of Pamela Barnes. Even John Ross seemed troubled seeing her; the way he was eyeballing her is too weird for words (watch the final minute and you’ll know what I mean). The scene is set for a whole load of frothy, soapy glitz, glamour and nonsense (and hopefully bitch-slaps galore). Welcome back dear Dallas – I’ve missed you.

Cheeky Awards:

Most Stupid Invitation: (Christopher to Pamela) “You’re outta your mind and you’d better come at me with everything you’ve got. Because I’m going to take you down.”

Most Heartfelt Bitchy Line: John Ross to Pamela: “Your enemy is my enemy.”

Saying It How It Is: (JR upon learning Pamela is Cliff Barnes’s daughter) “We should hire some roughnecks and take Barnes for a long ride.

Wannabe Rapper In The Making: Harris Ryland (when he raps, sorry, tells Sue Ellen and Ann Ewing) “If I should find… there’s another tape… I guarantee… you will not be able… to stand under… the world of pain… I will rain down on you.”

Most Exasperated / I Told You So Line: (Bobby to Ann) “You do not negotiate with a terrorist!”

Flexing Villainous Muscles Award: Pamela Barnes (as she says to John Ross) “I don’t have to play weak anymore. And trust me, you don’t want me setting that target on your back.”

Desperately In Need of Lasik Eye Surgery: Pamela Barnes (as she says to John Ross) “What can you possibly have to offer that would make me want to get in bed with you?”